** Disclaimer: Ranting includes all of the rampant cussing, screaming, and blatant idiocy that  you'd expect of something using that namesake. Enjoy! **

Man did Dirk Calloway have it right!

(7/21/05) - "Oh yeah and with friends like you who needs friends?"

I thought, "You've got to be kidding me! She's joking."

You fine folks can do the math yourself by reading the previous report on this point booster for that feeling, "Man. I'm a real douchebag!" Luckily the fumes off my roommates had already set me at an intense state of ease when my "friend" from D.C. (the one who'd called me out of the blue many months ago to complain about a deadbeat boyfriend while working in Chapel Hill and asked me to come visit on a specific date only to have taken a job the previous week, not call to tell me, and upon my arrival she had no time to hang out with me, didn't bother giving me a key to the house and my tour guide and person who made the trip relatively enjoyable was actually the deadbeat boyfriend she'd called to bitch about) gave me a ring at around 9pm on a Saturday night:


"Hey." (oh, mind I hadn't heard from her in two months since I'd left)
"Did you break my DVD player? My boyfriend says you were the last one to use it. You watched Gangs of New York."

"I was the last one to use it?"

"Yeah there's something sticky on it. Did you spill something on it?"

Overlooking the immediate, this DVD player is inside one of those entertainment stands with the TV on top. I would have to actually stick a drink or coagulating prune juice (whatever the suspect substance be) inside the glass doors with about six inches of leeway and tip it over. This would be an operation that could not happen on accident too easily.

"No. I didn't."


"Is that all you called about?"

"Yeah. That's it."

"Okay. Bye."

Two of my best friends (whose pragmatic wisdom obscures their true love for life and optimism to those who stand blindly by a more PC view of humanity) I quoted to my ex-fiancee once:

RULE #1: "Your friends will let you down."
RULE #2: "No matter what, I know I can always count on people for their cruelty and their stupidity."

The ladyfriend responded, "Fuck you! People will surprise you!"

"Are you gonna surprise me?"

When I showed up in Paris with two fellow gas station workers and one of them said the drunk French girl that raised all hell in the store one night had given him her contact information and was gonna meet us, I said, "Yeah. Fucking sure!" When she rolled up on a Harley, took us back to her bad ass apartment on Rue de Ménilmontant, gave us keys to the place, showed us all the food and booze she'd bought us, and after we stayed a week with a final entourage of three Chilean girls, a stinky English guy and our dumbasses, left without cleaning up and when I was in Paris the next time and she told me not to be stupid and to stay at her place - that was a surprise in the way anyone wants to be surprised about a person.

This lovely person with concern for her DVD player and none for guests that she invited is what my good friends were warning about and is what to be expected. Thanks for maintaining my world view fucko. I wish I'd blown chunks and my load on you and your DVD player.



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